J & S plus a little "b" and "t": September 2009

I had a dose of reality yesterday. A flat out stare you in the face, knock you on your butt, cry your eyes out, reality moment.

Let me take you back a little bit. I have been on a blogging hiatus - why? because I knew that I was not happy and I didn't want to give into all the negativity that has been surrounding me. I have been playing the pity party in my own mind and whining about silly things. I have been feeding off all the negative things and have long passed all the positive ones. I have taken peoples comments to heart and let them consume me. I've taken on other people's bad traits and made them my own. I've been holding grudges - which is something that I really despise in other people. I am not happy with my actions, my thought process, my health and particularly the ugly road that I've led myself to be on.

Boy - I sound like a mess huh? (At least I still have a little humor left)ha ha ha.

I was going to go into detail on here what exactly I have been hurt by, what I've been hanging onto and letting get to me - but then I deleted it.

In order for me to let things go, I just need to drop it. I need a clean slate.

so what was the big "Eye opener" you ask?

Yesterday I had a call to add on an exam. It was towards the end of the day and I was thinking that yet again I'd have to squeeze this patient in. I was being negative, selfish and flat out a big baby. This particular patient was new to our system, nice guy, younger than my Dad. He had some pain in his belly for a few weeks that just wouldn't go away. He finally decided he should go in and check it out. Now after doing Ultrasound for 11 years, I've become rather numb to things. Wheelchair bound patients, ones missing an arm or a leg - you just become that professional that does their job - has a nice conversation with the patient and move on. You don't take it to heart. As soon as I placed the transducer down on this mans belly my heart sank. It took everything in me not to cry as my hands began to shake. His liver was covered in Metastases = Cancer.

This isn't the first time I've seen cancer, I see it all the time, but it's the first time it hit home - HARD. I felt horrible that I even complained about getting this guy in. What kind of selfish snot would complain about doing her job when this gentleman's life is about to be ripped apart.

The entire ride home I kept thinking about him. How he is going to have to go home and tell his wife, or his kids, or his family. I thought about all the little stupid things I've been complaining about - being bored at work, finances, a dirty kitchen - you know. I thought about my family and friends. Then I stopped at a gas station before I picked up my daughter and thanked God for all that is in my life. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

You see - when you came to grasps with your own mortality, it kind of puts things in a completely different light. Why be upset over things that happened several years ago or even a week ago. Why let my life be consumed with all the negativity when it can change in an instant.

Last night Brenna wanted "few more minutes mama". I brought her back into her bed and I laid down next to her. She snuggled her head into my chest and rubbed her hand on my face. I cried the entire time.

I think we all need a "few more minutes"

Thank you Lord for sending me your message yesterday - I got it loud and clear.